The British Government has revoked the Declaration of Independence. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, has placed America on the real estate market. Monies raised shall contribute to the upkeep of the British Monarchy. So far, land has been allocated to the following parties by Royal Decree:
ENGLAND — Wishes to reclaim and retain its original East Coast territories (e.g. New England, Massachusetts, Virginia etc.). These parts were colonized in the time of Queen Elizabeth I so it is fitting they are reclaimed by Queen Elizabeth II. Any exceptions to this are as noted below and are granted by Her Majesty’s generosity to fellow European nations.
THE NETHERLANDS — New York was originally called Nieuw Amsterdam and will revert to that name. The term ‘yankee’ is derived from the Dutch ‘Jan Kees’ and the willingness of certain parties to call themselves or others ‘Yankees’ is a subconscious desire to return to being a Dutch territory. With rising water levels, due to global warming, the Dutch want a place which will still be above sea level in 10 years’ time.
NORTHERN IRELAND — Since the U.S. has bigger St Patrick’s Day celebrations than the Irish in their native country, it seems sensible to relocate the Irish to Utah (demonstrating that Her Majesty has a sense of humour). A state will be bought for them as a gift from the British Government. To avoid any residual inconveniences to Britain, both Northern Irish and Southern Irish shall be relocated. Vacated Ireland will then be used for resettlement of Eastern European immigrants into the U.K.
ISRAEL — Rather than fight over a little bit of desert stuck in the middle of a bunch of hostile countries, it seems sensible to simply relocate all Israelis to America. Jerusalem can be recreated in Hollywood where it will be bigger and better than the original, without the inconvenience of being a war-zone. ‘Jerusaland’ will be a theme park in Southern Florida. Since all Israelis do National Service in the Army, they will provide an immediate police/security force – and one without obesity problems. Israel will therefore have most of Southern Florida, excluding Miami, which will go to Cuba.
CUBA — Will get Miami, Florida. They currently have it in all but name. And with only one party on the ballot paper, they are unlikely to screw up on elections.
REDNECKS — Allocated Northern Florida, Georgia, Alabama, and the Carolinas. No-one else wants to live there. Trailers will be mandatory.
CANADA. They’re next door so Her Majesty is going to award them ‘that scruffy bit of land next to their back yard’ and ask them to get it decently under control. That way, they can let Quebec declare independence or sell itself to France and not be inconvenienced by the loss of a scrap of land.’
FRANCE — Will be co-owner ‘North and South Arcadia.’
ITALY– New Jersey will go to Italy who already control it anyway via the mob. Only the paperwork remains to be filed …
